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Have stupid annoying cold, have hardly left the house for three days. Thank God humans invented television, and the internet. A few days ago I woke up with an eye infection, I looked in the mirror, it hurt but it didn't look as bad as it felt. I put some salty water in it, which is my cure for pretty much everything, and then I went out. Everyone I saw immediately said something like, 'Oh my God, what's wrong with your eye?' I had a closer look and saw that while it wasn't really puffy, the white part of my eye was a nice even shade of bubblegum pink. So apparently I have 'pink eye', that thing they always talk about on South Park (in fact they named an episode after it, the town is overrun with zombies and the doctor diagnoses it as pink eye). According to my extensive research, it's another name for conjunctivitis, which is common when you get a cold. Anyway, it's not a good look but it goes with my dripping nose and swollen tonsils. Worse than the pink eye, I have lost my sense of taste. That sounds like I don't know what to wear, but it means food has texture but no taste, and it immediately makes all food repulsive. We developed sophisticated palates so that we would better know when something was poisonous or rotten and the lack of any taste is confusing my brain. On the plus side, I can't taste my own mucous anymore which makes a nice change, and I'm thinking this could revolutionize the diet industry. Diet doctors could try temporarily shutting off the taste buds of the morbidly obese, they might die from eating toxic food but at least they'd be thin. Does that sound too cruel? It seems that being sick doesn't bring out my charitable side.