Today I got a phone call and my friend said something no one wants to hear, 'You were on Today Tonight'. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I actually felt nauseous, instantly. I wondered what terrible thing I had done to get me on a current affairs show? And then, what terrible thing did they find out about? I didn't even get around to wondering why they would care what I do.
Turns out I was accidentally standing next to the star of a movie that I went to the opening of, I wasn't even invited I was just a plus one. She was wearing black and smiling for the camera, I was talking to someone and wearing a really bright scarf, not just red but fire engine red, and apparently me and my scarf were distracting. It could have been a lot worse. Even though I appeared on one of the world's most sleazy television shows, I only feel slightly unclean.
I'm crap at remembering jokes and usually I don't even try, but the other night I'm having dinner at my friend's parents house, we're outside smoking and her dad gets a step ladder to sit on. I know that I know a joke about a step ladder, I can't remember the set-up, but I don't let that stop me -
Me: Have you heard the joke about the step ladder?
The Dad: No.
Me: I love it almost as much as my real ladder.
It got a huge laugh especially from my friend's step mother.
I believe in crediting jokes so I'll tell you, it's a Jack Dee joke, I think.
In the middle of my busy and inspiring day, full of rewarding and meaningful tasks, I type 'I'm so fucking depressed' into Google and get 111,000 hits. It's strangely comforting to know that more than a hundred thousand people used exactly the same words to describe their mental states. A disproportionate amount of them seem to be in, or just out of, rehab. They sound pretty fucking depressed. Someone called 'BREAKaBEAT' writes, 'I'm so fucking depressed, sobriety is not at all what it's cracked up to be'. Someone else called 'Rageboy' writes, 'I'm so fucking depressed I could fucking die. And I'm so sick of feeling this way, I could fucking puke...' I hear your pain Rageboy.
Just out of interest I tried 'I'm so fucking happy' and got 3,670,000 hits. So I guess the happy people win. Yay for them for being so fucking happy. My favourite is 'I'm so fucking happy I found a Taco Bell that serves the chili cheese burrito'.
People at movie theatres who only start wondering what they want to see when they get to the box office, need me to kill them. The ticket person asks them what they want to see and they turn to each other and discuss. You had the whole way up in the line to talk about this.
I hate you.
Same goes for people at the supermarket who wait until the cashier tells them how much it is before it occurs to them that this is going to be a financial transaction and they need to find their wallets. 'Where is my money? Do I want to pay with cash or card? Hmm... Let me think while everybody waits for all eternity'.
I'm at a party in a bar and I don't know anyone except the host and a girl friend I brought with me. My friend nods in the direction of a girl across the room and asks, 'What do you think of that pink dress?' I look over at the girl in the pink dress and say, 'Not with that orange face'.
I thought I was a nice person. Looks like I need to think again.
My favourite news story this week is about the old man who got attacked by mice in the old people's home. He was bedridden and helpless when a mouse plague went through the place, staff found him the next morning covered in blood and his head, ears, neck and hands had been chewed on. Can you imagine what it would be like to be attacked and eaten by a plague of mice when you can't move and fight them off? It's like a horror movie but so much worse because it's real!
A few years ago I got obsessed with the woman who had her face ripped off in an accident in a milking shed. I wasn't so much obsessed with her as with the horror of the situation. I think her hair got caught in something and her face and part of her scalp were pulled off in one piece and fell into the milk vat, which turned out to be a piece of luck, as the milk preserved it and kept it clean so she could have it sewn back on. The story had a happy ending but I couldn't stop thinking about her husband finding her without her face on and having to tell her that everything was going to be okay. I wonder if he has nightmares about it, or maybe they tell it as a funny story when they meet new people.