Thursday, March 12, 2009

Evil, Sneaky, Poisonous Biznitches

Last year a friend lent me the DVD of a cable reality show she was obsessed with called 'Rock of Love'. I put it on top of the TV with all the other unwatched DVDs and never watched it. Yesterday I decided to make a start on doing my taxes and what better way to do something boring, than with the TV for company. I tried a few movies but they didn't grab me, so as a last resort, I put on 'Rock of Love'.  

Turns out it's one of those competitions involving one guy and a bunch of hot chicks, and it's reality gold. Twenty-five girls compete to prove their potential as the perfect 'Rock Star Girlfriend' for Bret Michaels, the singer from Poison and 'the star of Pamela Anderson's other sex tape'. Apparently the demands of life on the road have taken a toll on Bret's love life and now he wants to settle down. I was never a fan of Poison, or boys who wear make-up, but the girls are hilarious. There are a lot of blondes and a lot of boobs, so it's hard to tell them apart, but they say some brilliant things. One of the blondes has boobs as big as my ass and another blonde called her 'circus tits' behind her back and then to her face. Circus Tits took offense and said, 'My tits are beautiful', and the other one said, 'Yeah, in the meth world'. Genius.

They have great challenges like who can give the best phone-sex (apparently if you want to be a rock star's girlfriend, you have to be able to talk dirty on the phone because he's going to be away a lot on tour), but the most important thing the girls have to be good at, is not minding or complaining when Bret makes out with other girls, because that's what rock stars do. Circus Tits said it was fine if he had up to three other girlfriends, as long as she was number one. 

One contestant, Brandi, (who told everyone her nickname back home is 'Blow-Job Brandi') won a challenge and got a private date with Bret. As soon as she was gone the other girls started bitching about her and one of them asked the question, 'What guy would want a girlfriend with the word 'blow-job' in her name?' None of the girls gave the obvious answer, which is Bret Michaels, and every other guy. Probably the highlight of the whole show is a hair-pulling fight between Lacey, the animal liberationist, and another girl who said she hates animals and she only wants to eat them and wear them. Lacey is the most hated girl in the house, described by the other girls as 'a crazy, psychotic, cold-hearted bitch', and, 'a fucking, dirty, sneaky whore'. So much for the sisterhood. 

The girls might not like each other but Bret loves them all, my favourite quote from him is - 'There's nothing sexier than a beautiful girl, wearing a cowboy hat and riding a horse'. I only have three episodes left and I'm dying to find out which lucky, evil, sneaky bitch he's going to choose.

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