My Bloody Valentine with Macaroni and Cheese

How did I get to be this old without seeing a 3D movie or making macaroni and cheese from a packet? They are both completely awesome. The mac n' cheese was so cheesy and so cheap and the 3D movie (My Bloody Valentine) was so cheesy and so expensive, $19! It stars Sammy's brother Eric from Days of Our Lives, I kind of like him but you get an idea of how the acting was. Words like dumb and retarded don't even begin to do justice to the story and the 'twist' at the end made me want to chop off the fingers of whatever writer committed them to paper. The 3D thing gives you a $19 headache but it's worth it just for the eyeball on the end of a pickaxe coming right at you, and the bullet coming right at you, everything coming RIGHT AT YOU! Has anyone ever made 3D porn? What about 3D porn at IMAX, fifty feet high! Am I crazy or is it genius? By the way you can't steal the 3D glasses because they have these annoying beeper things on the door, you could go out the other exits down the front next to the screen, if you wanted...

I Am Hitch Ali Hancock Smith

I read in some movie magazine that Will Smith is the only movie star in the world. Not that he's the best actor, or even the best looking actor, but that he's the only person in the world that can 'open' a movie. No matter what movie he's in people will go to see it on the opening weekend. Tom Cruise has been in some big movies but he still has movies that bomb, so does Brad Pitt, so does George Clooney... I can't even think of anyone else. So I just watched a Will Smith movie on late night tv and I couldn't get the stupid smile off my face, how does he manage to be so damn likeable? I want him to invite me over for a barbecue at his house and then I want to write a movie for him just so we can hang out. I used to watch the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and he was kind of annoying in that, what happened? Did he sell his soul to the devil, or L. Ron Hubbard? As I write that name I suddenly have scientology fear, do you think they'll flag my blog and picket my house? I'd quite like to work in Hollywood one day, am I burning a bridge? Is it too late to sign up for a quick audit? If something happens to me, you know who it was...

Killing Spree

I was walking down the street today and I stepped on one of those seed things that float around in summer, kids call them fairies and the story goes that if you blow them away, you get to make a wish (I imagine it was a man that came up with that one).  Anyway I accidentally stood on one and for a second I had this horrible, and completely irrational, feeling of guilt, like I'd stomped on a butterfly or a little kid's dream. I tried to tell myself, 'hey, it's just a bit of grass, like standing on a leaf.' But it didn't work, I still felt like a fairy killer. First fairies, next dolphins and rainbows.

First the fire, now everything else...

On Saturday half the state caught on fire, people died and all the things melted. On Tuesday I went into a cafe/bar down the street, it's not my favourite place, it's a little bit fancy and up itself, but they make a chicken burger that I love, the only reason I go there (apart from the big comfortable booths, attractive staff and proximity to my house) is the fucking chicken burger. It's not complicated, crumbed chicken in a turkish bread roll with coleslaw, tabasco sauce and salt, but it's the way they do it. The chicken is organic or grain fed or something, the breadcrumbs are that Japanese brand, and the coleslaw sauce is half yogurt/half mayonnaise with dill and it's just so damn good. Anyway I go in, order my coffee and my burger and the waitress tells me it's not on the menu anymore because the apprentice chefs hate making it and the other chefs hate it because they put so much effort into the rest of the menu, and all anybody ever orders is the ten dollar chicken burger. They've replaced the burger with some kind of pork roll which she tries to sell me but I'm new to eating meat and I don't know if I like pork, so I order a bacon and egg sandwich (yes, I know, bacon is made of pig too but it's not the same!). Then the chef comes over and says, 'You wouldn't believe how many customers have complained about the burger'. 'Oh but I would', I say. He tells me that one customer wants to start a petition, which I offer to sign, and another customer has done a deal with one of the other chefs, where he can have the burger if he orders it three days in advance. I suggest a burger tax where the cost goes up by a couple of dollars and every time someone orders one, that money goes straight to the guy who has to make it. The chef nods and you can see he's actually thinking about it. My bacon and egg sandwich arrives, I put tabasco on it and it's fine but it's not my burger. My friend Richie comes in and finds me slumped against the bar, he tells me that he tried to call me and warn me that they'd taken the burger off the menu but I missed the call. I want to cry. First the fires, now this, it's the week from hell.

On Wednesday night my friend Penny died of cancer and the next day I went over to her house with my brother and had drinks with everyone who loved her. Her dead body was in the lounge room in a hospital bed, which was really confronting for about ten seconds and then it seemed totally normal. We sat around and cried and laughed and had cups of tea and red wine. It was sad and I'm going to miss her but it was also great... Maybe I can learn to make my own fucking chicken burger.

U.D.L. - Spirit in a Can

Our country is on fire and we don't have any water, which is inconvenient because that's the first thing you reach for when you want to put out a fire. My friend Nick had a fight with his wife on the day of the fire, they knew it was coming, she wanted to leave and he wanted to stay and fight it, so she left and he stayed. He spent two hours wetting around the house and then the water pump broke. He heard the roaring of the firestorm, ran into the house, and he and the dogs watched the flames coming in through the gap between the door and the floor. And then the windows exploded and he knew he was going to die. But he didn't die, it passed. He went outside and things were burning but the wall of fire had moved on. He had no water so he grabbed what he could from the house and ran around putting out fires, he put out one fire with a bottle of Champagne and when the car caught on fire he put it out with a U.D.L. can (scotch and coke if you're interested). Nice one Nick, I'll think of you every time I drink one.