Me - Hello?
Girl - Hi, I'm calling from blah blah clinic.
Me - Oh... Hi... Do I owe you guys some money?
Girl - No, according to our records you haven't had a pap smear since March 2008.
Me - Oh. So... Do you want to give me one?
Girl - Would you like me to book you in? We can fit you in at 9:45 am tomorrow morning.
Me - Um... (We only just met, can't I have a week to get used to the idea?)
Girl - Is that good for you?
Me - Yes, it's fantastic. Which doctor will it be?
Girl - Doctor Singh is available if you'd like a female doctor.
Me - Can I have someone else? (I had her last time and I could hardly walk after)
Girl - You don't want her?
Me - Is that a problem?
Girl - Most women prefer to have a woman.
Me - Do I need to give you reasons?
Girl - (Pause) We can fit you in with Dr. Tran.
Me - Um... (I don't know him, should I get drunk before my appointment?) OK.
Girl - So 9:45 in Clifton Hill?
Me - Can I go to the Fitzroy clinic? It's across the street from me.
Girl - Is that where you live?
Me - Yes.
Girl - Have you been there before?
Me - Yes.
Girl - Please hold.
She puts me on hold for so long it's probably giving me brain cancer to find out if I have cervical cancer and then she comes back to tell me I'm booked in for tomorrow... Yay?
P.S. I forgot to go.
Oh yeah, here's a joke I made up after I the last time I went to the doctor: A doctor gets caught in bed with another woman by his wife, he listens to the wife complain for thirty seconds and then he says - Get some rest and come back in a week if it still hurts. That'll be sixty-five dollars.